Monthly Archives: October 2013

Doctor Bashir and His Lack of Ladies

Every Star Trek needs a ladies’ man, right? The Original Series had Kirk, The Next Generation sort of had Riker (though I think they may have made it Picard mid-series, and that sort of disturbs me), Enterprise had Tripp, and Deep Space Nine had …

it had…  well…. huh….

Sisko? No. O’Brien? No, unless leading on clueless Cardassians count… Worf? Noooo. One symbiote in two girls does not a ladies’ man make. Odo? As much as I imagine he’d be great in bed due to his… shall we say, flexibility… no. Is it.. really…

It can’t be…


Okay. I admit it. Most of that hemming and hawing was strictly for dramatic effect. And why? Because it’s just a little too hard to believe. Like, I’m not really sure why he is DS9’s resident ladies’ man aside from the fact that it is stated in the series itself…. because obviously, verbally announcing something just automatically makes things so.

Let it be known, if Doctor mother fuckin’ Bashir wants it, Doctor mother fuckin’ Bashir gets it.

Yes, that is what they would like us to believe. I mean, he talks about it all the time…but, when does he actually ever get it? Aside from the time he hits on the practically paraplegic girl…

from a planet with lower gravity…

who might as well be made of glass.

But, you know, no pressure or anything.

Okay, that’s just me making assumptions. The episode basically just shows them floating around in a lower gravity in what I keep trying to assume is some sort of subtle metaphor for “letting loose”…. but, really, they never show him getting anywhere past first base. Yeah, that’s right. First base. Turns out Deep Space Nine is just like high school.

When Glee gets more than you do…

Of course, I can’t forget his ill-fated “relationship” with Sarina Douglas… you know… the one who was incapable of socializing because of her genetic enhancements?

Long story short, he fixed her, expected something in return and was surprised when he didn’t get it… largely because he smothered her.


Not with a pillow. Give the man SOME credit. Turns out he’s just a clingy mother fucker, which is pretty much the antithesis to being a ladies’ man.


Which makes me wonder… why is it that he’s supposed to be the ladies’ man of DS9? Aside from the fact that people in the show say it, so it must be true. Then the answer came to me. It’s because that man is all talk, and literally, no action.

But what is baffling is that it isn’t the actor, Alexander Siddig’s fault. I want to make it very clear that:


No, Siddig is, unmistakably, a doable man. This is obviously the writers’, and Bashir’s fault. The writers for just saying he’s a ladies’ man without ever actually writing him that way, and Bashir for just being Bashir.

Let’s face it, for a man who think’s he’s all that, he has been rejected by every single cast member, except the Dabo girl, and look at who she eventually left him for:


To which I imagine his reaction was the longest dot-dot-dot humanity has ever known.


So, then… who is the ladies’ man in DS9, if it’s so clearly not Doctor Bashir?

I think the obvious answer is obvious. It’s Jadzia Dax.

That bitch has got bitches on top of bitches, and really that’s a rather refreshing thought, and yet another example of why I think DS9 is the Star Trek best series EVER. It may not break all stereotypes, but it sure gives it go.

What’s even better is that Dax, if you were to rate her sexual conquests on the a scale 1- 10, she would rate as a Captain Jack Harkness (read: “Are we including non-human life forms?”). She gets jiggy with chicks, men with transparent skulls, and she pretty much insinuates to people that she wouldn’t mind getting into Morn’s pants. Okay, she just says he’s cute, but I don’t think I could possibly be reading too far into that. I mean, look where she rated on my completely arbitrary scale! Captain Jack Harkness is like a 20.

Then you add the affairs that her former host, Curzon, had and you’ve got a lady with a bedpost so full of notches it’s barely even there.


And the greatest thing is no one would ever accuse Jadzia Dax of being a slut. Adventurous? Yes. More so than most, in fact. Why else would she willing break bones in order to do it with a Klingon? But a slut? Never. Maybe it’s because she does honestly look like she wants a connection, no matter how brief. Let’s face it, she is a bit of a hopeless romantic, as evidenced by her decision to strand herself on a planet for sixty years with a man she just met, forgoing ever seeing her friends in the episode “Meridian”.

What’s more interesting to me is that that Jadzia, this true ladies’ man of a ladies’ man can’t even get it up for the poor Julian Bashir, but I realize that it’s because she just simply has no romantic feelings for him whatsoever, and it’s not really his fault.

But.. come now… really… if he was the ladies’ man, he would be having a torrid off and on affair with her… which he doesn’t.

So… my point still stands.

Julian Bashir is only a ladies’ man because he says he is.

Oh, and also because he’s totally into Garak.

GARAK: Entertaining one of your lady friends? 
BASHIR: Unfortunately, no. I was reading the last few chapters of The Never-Ending Sacrifice.
GARAK: Isn’t it superb? Without a doubt the finest Cardassian novel ever written.

Yeah, I believe you. You totally decided not to sleep with one of the many girls you say you sleep with because you wanted to read a book that Garak suggested to you… which you didn’t like… but you still read…. because Garak told you to.

I BELIEVE YOU.      O_O You totally could have “entertained a lady friend”….

My sarcasm, I hope, is so palatable it fed you a whole meal.

Or, there was that time…

GARAK: Tell me, Doctor, what is it exactly about this situation that’s making you smile?
BASHIR: You, Garak. Just wondering how many other tailors can rewrite Cardassian security protocols?
GARAK: I wouldn’t even venture a guess. Which reminds me, those pants you wanted altered are ready to be picked up.

What was that? I’m sorry… I couldn’t hear the DIRE SITUATION OF EVERYONE ON THE STATION DYING over the sound of your flirting.

slutty nancy drew

The two conclusions I can draw are thus: 1.) Bashir is all talk because 2.) he won’t really embrace his very obvious want to be with Garak.

Or, he is a much better friend than he’s a boyfriend. That’s totally plausible too.

Okay, it’s the most plausible.

Prince of Persia’s 1000 Nights of Trying to Get the Story Right

I don’t want to say I’m old school when I say I love playing my old PS2 games, but really, I need to own up to my age and recognize that Prince of Persia: Sands of Time is technically old school.


My habit of playing Sonic the Hedgehog? Well, that’s just a healthy interest in the classic. My Atari? An exercise in primitive rituals.

But playing Prince of Persia: Sands of Time for the 19th time is more like my dad playing Jethro Tull every Saturday morning for a year because rock flute is “just so innovative”. Oh, and Ali, did you know that “Aqualung” is about a pedophile?

I feel as if I’m on my way to rocking a mullet and pining wistfully for the days of mixtapes (only half of this is true). I feel like that day when the music you listened to on the radio is named a “throwback”.


But as I said before I got wildly off-topic in a fit of over-exaggeration, I’ve been playing Prince of Persia: Sands of Time, which is probably one of my favorite games ever invented.

However, one thing has always bothered me about it, and I’m not surprised to say that it still does.

The tale is couched in the Prince telling the story of the his dramatic escape to Princess Fara, who has forgotten what happened. When you pause, be it after you took a drink of water, or after you fought the seven billionth harem zombie, he will say “shall I go on?”. When you save it, he says “I’ll start the story from here next time.”

Then I realize that the Prince is literally telling this story play by play.

Now, for those who haven’t played it in awhile, or for those who *gasp* haven’t, I’ll explain the story. Essentially, the Prince fucks up shit, is able to sort of control time with a dagger, and he has to make his way through a decaying castle full of sand zombies. Now, this is a video game, so you tend to die… a lot… from either falling down or getting stabbed.


So, as such, this is how I imagine the story goes:

“I then I stabbed this zombie. Then I had to get across this impossibly wide gap by running across a wall but I slipped, so I reversed time, but then I didn’t reverse it enough and I feel into the pit, so I had to reverse it more. Then I didn’t have enough sand and I died. No, no, no. That’s not how it happened. I traversed the gap just fine, and then ran across another wall before leaping to a ledge. Then I landed on some spikes. So, I had to reverse time again. This time, I jumped over the spikes.

Then I had to get this lever. Can you imagine? A lever?! It was just like the other fourteen I described to you.”

The princess of course is just nodding along like, “Yes, of course. What a surprise. Another lever. And I did what? Crawled through another crack because I don’t have your physical stamina to do all the amazing things you do? Interesting. Oh! Another lever? Fantastic. Oh, and I died again… but I didn’t? Great. ”

And every time she drifts off to sleep out of sheer boredom, the Prince just says “Done. I’ll start the story from here next time” like the worst Scheherazade ever.

I really do think that it took thousand nights to tell this tale…