Enterprise Rubs One Out

I just want people to know that I know I’m not stupid. I know when I’m being pandered to. Or rather, when I’m not being pandered to.

Or actually… in this case, not being pandered to enough.

What am I talking about? Why, Enterprise decon scenes, of course. CLEARLY.

Yeah. If you’ve never seen Enterprise, you’re probably wondering why they are having a super serious conversation about rank while rubbing gel all over each other in a suspiciously erotic fashion. Aside from exciting teenage trek nerds, it’s because they are going through decontamination, which apparently involves skimpy clothing and lots of sexual tension. And this needs to happen every time they go off planet.

But whatever. It’s hot…

.. and utterly pointless.

So, here’s the deal with decon: it must always involve at least one female, and one male dressed in underwear (though it seems that bras are optional in T’Pol’s case) rubbing each other all over with gel in a very dimly lit room. You know… pretty much most of our fantasies.

It's not gay if it's a three-way.
Oh, and apparently dogs are also an acceptable addition to the equation.

Getting Jiggy with Porthos

That’s right. There is a scene where a girl rubs a girl who rubs a man who rubs a dog, and no one comments on how weird it is. Up until this point, the decontamination chamber has only been used to increase sexual tension between characters, so I think someone needs to say something. I mean, is this sort of thing okay in the future? And by that, I mean, foursomes that include canines?

Yeah. What the fuck, Star Trek… what the fuck?

So, here’s the thing. I know there are away missions that have involved only men. Yet, I see no Reed and Tripp rubbing gel over each other’s well defined muscles, nor do I see scene with just Hoshi or T’pol. Thus, I must conclude that if they are showing other decons, and not these ones, there is a reason for it. The only conclusion I can draw is that Star Trek proves to be homophobic in tacit denial of homosexual anything (platonic or no), and therefore… apparently it’s not gay if it’s a three-way.

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